Johnny Calderon, who uses he/they pronouns in day-to-day life and she/her pronouns when dressed in the drag persona Honey Z, looks out at the city of Durham, North Carolina, dressed in a costume inspired by a fallen angel. As a 27-year-old member of the LGBTQ+ community, Calderon is learning what genuine self-love looks like as a young adult struggling to find security in their masculinity and identity as a queer Latinx nonbinary person.
Calderon uses drag as a form of self expression, meaning it does not always have to be classically feminine makeup and dresses, but can be an art form that reflects his inner feelings. The idea of a fallen angel came from a challenging time in Calderon's personal life that they channeled into drag, he said. The look provided a chance to try something different. “I love to look very beautiful. I like to look very expensive, but it’s also another side that I never express. It was great to step out my comfort zone,” Calderon said.
Growing up in a family with 10 siblings and constantly feeling like he was in “survival mode,” Calderon was not taught about making time for feelings. Now in early adulthood, Calderon is coming to terms with what comfortable masculinity can look like. “It’s healthy for masculine men to cry,” he said. “Not everything’s gonna be okay and it's okay to cry it out. It’s okay too if things don’t go your way.” Although expressing emotions and a vulnerable side is still a challenge, Calderon said understanding the vitality of growing into the best version of themselves motivates them. “If you can’t sit within yourself and with your own thoughts… and force yourself to go through that process, you will never grow,” they said.
Calderon reaches for a weight in the gym at his apartment complex in Durham, N.C. Working out is not only something Calderon must do to stay fit as a drag queen, but they said it is a way to cope with insecurity. “I always grew up being insecure,” he said. “As a little kid, sometimes you’ll see in a magazine, the most sexiest man on earth, and it'd be a white man with a beard. So it's always kind of felt like a way of — oh, I'm not what society is considered handsome.”
Calderon’s insecurity has left him struggling with an eating disorder. But he is working to love themself and maintain a lifestyle that reflects that. He reasons with himself when having intrusive thoughts: “Go to the gym, instead of starving yourself… just eat healthier and go workout,” they said.
While working through challenging emotions, Calderon turned to his Christian faith for guidance, even though he acknowledges many people would say he is going to hell for being gay. “I know I’m not perfect or anything, but I just woke up one day, and after praying to Him, asking to open my eyes and see the bigger picture,” he said. “I just woke up and just like, remember the bad bitch you are and get up and do what’s best. The best way to win against anything is remembering who you are. And that’s it.”
When on stage, they bring a fun a lively energy, but Calderon acknowledges there is more to who he is than what the audience might see in Honey Z. “As entertainers, we go out there to the audience and have fun, and we put up a smile a lot. Sometimes the most beautiful smile has the most emotions within them,” Calderon said. Calderon is still exploring who the person behind Honey Z is. “I'm not just a nonbinary person wearing a wig. I'm not just a guy who's going to the gym to work out. I am a guy who is full with insecurity, full with emotions, but with a lot of love as well. And I really do hope that people really get the chance to just know who I am,” they said.
Calderon has been performing drag for three years in Durham and Raleigh, with plans to perform in places including Puerto Rico — and hopefully on Rupaul's Drag Race. “Drag is literally just an expression of art. I do it because it’s me really just taking the time to change myself in ways that I want to come out to the world,” Calderon said. They still get anxious before shows. “You get nervous back there because you care what you’re going to represent. You care about what you are going to show to the audience, and that is what makes it so special.”
Calderon has looked up to drag queen Kiara Mel for years. As a plus-sized queen of color, Mel has made a name for herself. But so has Honey Z. The two queens opened for pop star Chappell Roan in the summer of 2024 and continue to perform at local venues together.“It’s special being there in a room where other drag queens are getting ready, because you’re in this sisterhood,” Calderon said. “I just love who they are and just what they represent.”
Calderon plans to invest more into drag in 2025. Despite still working a full time job in education, he is ready to take their art to the next level. “This coming year, it's time to unleash the beast that has been within you, who has been in the cage for a while. Now we're about to really let go,” he said. Calderon is still navigating identity amid a polarized cultural moment and the loneliness of early adulthood, but they continue to show up and perform for themselves and the audience. They believe the 3-to-5 minutes on stage is not just a moment to shine, but to provide an escape for people in the audience to experience joy and be entertained.
